chirps

Feb 28 / 3:20am

Not Another one of Those!

Please excuse my rant here. I am sure you have read a blog like this over and over again. But here it is anyway.

The reason why I am writing this on the blog and not posting it on Facebook is because people get sensitive. People get sensitive, and this includes some very intelligent people mind you, when one questions their religion. They get all hyped up, red in the face and so on. So to keep away from all that chaos, I am writing this here.

I have seen many claims lately, amongst the kittens and the awful inspirational posts, about faith. How your faith in a religion is the corner stone of your existence. If you have faith everything will be alright. Things look bad now, but if you have faith then it will all be ok. Don't challenge faith and you will be rewarded. It is because of my faith that I am so blessed. They go on. Some get really fucken stupid but I am not even going to entertain those.

You cannot argue with these people, because they will not hear you.

Anyway, for the sake of those out there who like to actually use their brains from time to time and think about things, and I am not only talking about non-believers, I thought I would post something that challenges faith in a positive way. I do this because I believe that faith results in servitude, inaction, unnecessary sacrifice and destruction and war. So I found something from Bill Maher that would just be a little alternative:

"Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking, it is nothing to brag about and those who preach faith and enable and elevate it are intellectual slave holders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction." Bill Maher

Anyway.

Book: James Elroy: The Big Nowhere

Film: The Human Centipede (it will freak you out, just watch it)

Feb 3 / 2:37am

A Peace of Shit

I have a play that I made up called The Performers Travel Guide. I am very proud of it. However, I remember first performing it at the Grahamstown festival in 2006 in a little venue called Dicks. Jokes were to be had about Dicks. Dicks I think is an office space that they turn into a venue.

Anyway, the play was getting really bad audiences but I still thought I had a good thing going. The show starts with me in a box with a tutu on my head and I have never been too confident with that beginning.

There were about ten people in the audience one night. I walked on in the dark put the tutu on my head and as the lights came up I heard someone say "why did you bring me here I have heard this is a real piece of shit"

Well it probably was a peace of shit back then. Rob van Vuuren came in and directed the play and fixed it all up. But what I did learn from that person sitting in the front row is that, as an actor, you should never speak for your own work. If its good it will speak for you. If its kak then it will also speak for you. The audience really is the only thing that matters and if they think the show is shitty, well then its shitty.

I also walked on stage naked for a show once. A little old granny sitting in the front row could not figure out whether I was naked or not. "Is he naked?" she screamed. I thought to myself, well, this lady is old, she has probably seen willy's of all shapes and sizes through her life, she could probably publish a catalogue of dicks (the genitals not the above mentioned venue) . But she could still not identify the fact that I was naked.

The review read something like "great play, unfortunate that they had to cast Scott Sparrow"

Book: Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky " I hated the brusque, overconfident sound of his voice and how he adored his own jokes, which sounded terribly stupid although he expressed himself easily"

Film: Star Trek The Motion Picture 1979

Jan 28 / 7:53am

Fowatra Batra Seev

There are some families that will pray before a meal. A very common prayer, or at least to the best of my knowledge, goes something like this.

"For what we are about to receive may the lord make us truly thankful" And then you eat.

My family used this on occasion and enough for me to be familiar with the prayer. However as a kid, and sorry to say for a long time as an adult, I used to think the prayer was, "fowatra batra seev may the lord make us truly thankful"

Perhaps it was some latin or something that us kids did not know about then. It didn't bother me that I didn't know what it was, all I knew was that if I said it then I could put the food into my mouth. As a kid I wasn't too concerned about the whole religious thing, I mean, which kid really is? The kids just get told by the adults that that is the way and they should not question it. This is a servitude that will stick with them and turn them into the dull adults that we so often meet.

Please know my family never enforced such a servitude but we did say the 'fowatra batra seev' prayer every now and again.

Anyway:

Book Recommendation: Charles Bukowski's HAM ON RYE. I think this book is semi-autobiographical. Bukowski writes about his school years under the character of Hank Chinaski. Really funny and low life.

Film: FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE: My favourite Bond film. Low action but high espionage. Cool fight scenes on the train. It was Bond before it got all big budget and action sequences.

Enjoy your dinner. Don't forget to say grace. Or whatever.

Jan 14 / 4:09am

The Frontiersmen

I have decided to post again. I am not a gifted writer, I don't have flair with the english language so this might be a piece of shit. There is a wasp flying around in the room presently and I hate that, it needs to settle. That was no metaphor.

The year is starting again and I always look forward to what shows and films I might be lucky enough to get. I recently did The Frontiersmen with my two friends Greg and Louis. It was a show case at the Theatre on the District. I like working with these guys because they work hard without the bullshit and I like to work hard without the bullshit. Louis is a great writer and I am not saying that to blow smoke up his ass. I am not a great writer but I know when I read the script. A good script is easy to drive. Its smooth. The words make sense and they have an economy and a punch. Most writers can't do this, it does not make them bad writers, it just makes them mediocre. Anyway I loved doing this play, it made sense to me. It was a situation, two men on the edge of crisis and that is something both interesting to do and to watch.

The play had mixed reviews. People said "I want something to happen, I need the plot to move" to which I should have said "well then you should book for the opera, you will have plot coming out your ears"

I should have said that but I didn't because those people paid for their ticket and if they paid for their ticket they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want. I thought to myself, "I'll blog about this"

I had chicken soup in my mouth and I vomit it out as the play starts. That was fun to do. I rather enjoy blood and vomit on stage. Someone said. "ah well that was shock tactics, it was cheap, the play was too violent, why did you have to swear, you kept swearing all the time"

I wanted to say "fuck you that soup was expensive, that was soup from woolworths, that shit is expensive, and by the third night it was off, I suffered for that opening trick"

But they had bought a ticket so I kept quiet again. Don't shout at people who buy your tickets. It may be bad for business.

And I had the technique of a stage vomit down. 30 seconds before you go on you hold the soup in your mouth. A good mouthful. When you first throw up you can still keep a certain amount of soup in your cheeks and around your mouth. You open your mouth, it looks like you have nothing in there. Make sure the audience sees you open your mouth. Then BANG you let the rest out, arching your shoulders like a cat does when it vomits up grass.

Book recommendation: The Crossing by Cormac McCarthy

Film recommendation: Drive by Nicolas Winding Refn

Sep 6 / 11:52pm

hacked

Hi all please dont open any strange emails from me I have been hacked. Apologise for this and getting it fixed.

thank you

scott sparrow

Jan 30 / 1:37pm

piss me off

I have not posted something for a while been a bit busy. My last couple of posts were pretty heavy so here is something that would probably be a waste of time to read:

A list of things that piss me off:

people who touch my hat

pinchers ( i hate getting pinched and pity anyone who does)

people who say "oh you guys are soooo cute together"

guys who play the guitar to a group of people, his own song, and then they love it

people who go around massaging other people as a display of affection (fuck that)

people who come in 5 minutes late for a movie (they don't bother me but do they not consider that in the first 5 minutes of the movie they might have missed something???? they just assume they will pick up the plot as if some parts of the film are irrelevant)

actors who use the term "the industry"

actors

the J and B Met

People who mix up Star Wars and Star Trek and then say..."oh whatever they both the same"

traffic lights

seeing someone at the traffic lights you know and having to communicate to them in sign language and then sit awkwardly waiting for the green.

people who ask the question "so tell me about yourself"

People who think that Roger Moore was the 2nd James Bond

my friend dorian

hidden dog shit on a lovely lawn

the sound of people training their dogs (fuuccccccccckkkkkkk)....sit sky sit....sky sit...sky sit sky sit no sit sky sit sit sky come on sky sit sit down, sit sky...stay stay ....no no no no no sit sit sky come on sky sit....sky sit please sky good boy..wait no sky sit sit sit sky sit

my friend dorian

Dec 11 / 12:55pm

Gala Disaster

As a kid I hated school galas. Well I hated school in general it felt like a complete waste of my time besides the friends that I made and learning how to cheat. (school teaches you that cheating is bad, but its not really cheating its about fucking a system that's trying to fuck you in the first place so they call it cheating when in fact its survival) Anyway that's another story altogether but my biggest advice to scholars...cheat, or do whatever it takes for you not to be there anymore.

I digress: As a kid I hated galas, well I hated school spirit, I always thought it bred stupidity, I mean I loved watching sport, but I hated school spirit and anyone who cannot see the very obvious logical and ethical problems with this school spirit thing are the very people I should not be having this discussion with.

Anyway. As a kid I hated galas. They turned the joy of swimming into a harsh headache inducing waste of time for me. The following story may be the reason for this bile:

I was about 5 or so. I was sitting at a gala practice. I think I was sick or I pretended to be sick so as to get out of the practice. I was very good at pretending to be sick at school, perhaps that's where I started to love acting. So there I was in my school uniform watching these poor sods swimming up and down under the instruction of a whistle, when I realised that I needed a wee. A big wee. I think the hostility of my surroundings caused the anxiety which then called for urination. Just like a zebra shits itself when it smells a lion. So I needed to wee, but I was too scared to move. (I hated school but I was not a rebel, I never defied teachers, in fact I feared them) So I sat there on those concrete stands petrified and bursting, the gala rehearsal not helping at all. I checked to my right and then I checked to my left and then to my right again (thinking as a kid that the rules of the road fit into the rules of a hidden wee). And then I let it all out. A big wee. It was great, well as much as I can remember. But now I had a problem. I need to move away from the evidence.

I moved up a place to my left, and on my right was a perfect circle of urine staring right at me. This is too obvious I thought and so moved up another place. Soon two circles of wee stared at me. Like twins, or a pair of eyes. Too obvious and so another place. Triplets, three circles of wee and me watching the gala practice. The third circle slightly lighter than the first two. So again I move up and now I have a family of wee circles and me, the evidence was growing. By the time the kids got out of the pool there were about seven wee puddles, all perfectly on the spectrum of dark to light, pointing at their creator. People laughed and I didn't move. I fucken hate galas.

School is fun for some. :)

Nov 30 / 8:57am

Adventure Strikes Back Come Watch!!

(download)

INTERVIEW WITH SCOTT SPARROW

performers%20travel%20guide1.jpg

I am doing my show called The Performers Guide at the Intimate Theatre. This is the programme note just to give you a sense of what the show may be about, or at least describing what a Performers Travel Guide is.

A Performers Travel Guide is a name given to a shopkeeper, road-side seller, or travelling merchant that supplies the lost performer (these include: actors, dancers, jugglers, tight-rope walkers, balloon blowers, strippers, fire spitters, hip hoppers, fire dancers, screaming clowns...and the like) with a destination that will remedy their woes. For example, Drew Macdormat, the tap dancer who lost both of his legs trying to tap dance on actual taps, was sent to a secret cove off the coast of India where the dwellers of said secret cove found it the finest entertainment to watch someone tap dance on their knees.

A Performers Travel Guide shop is often mobile, as a Performers Travel Guide must always be on the move as the lost and injured will not necessarily come to him, he must seek them out, in fact he hunts them out like a tracker. The shop is usually identified as a small caravan where the source of mobility is never seen. The Performers Travel Guide himself is never to be trusted: they are often dressed in shiny clothes, smart shoes, tall hats and fancy ties so as to attract their prey. Their cologne is also irresistible.

Although they started off in the early 13th century as do-gooders, their intentions are now sinister. Lost actors are easy prey and a guide will get a huge bonus for every destination sold. (Of course they provide other services too, like: the purchasing of shows, purchasing of audience and hair dressing).

In fact at the turn of the 18th century the intention of a Performers Travel Guide was to get rid of actors, sending them to perilous destinations. It was once recorded that an opera singer was sent to an abandoned glass factory wherein she died a horrible death of raining glass. She kept singing though, her song was all she had.

And that is the basic idea of a Performers Travel Guide. Actors, dancers, clowns whoever you may be, take this as some consolidation; a guide has not been seen for years. The last guide, the most creatively sinister, Jacques Decroux, was slaughtered and buried with his maps many years ago...many....years.

Show info:

Call 021 480 7129 to book

Intimate Theatre 37 Orange Street Gardens

R60 a ticket

Starts 8pm

Nov 29 / 1:29am

Relevance

I was doing a play once called Elizabeth by Dario Fo. Someone came up to me after the show, someone who people hold in high regard in the theatre, and asked me why the play was relevant. I had no answer to that because a play does not have to be relevant to anything. I am assuming she meant relevant to a political or social context but theatre has no responsibility or business as a political/social tool or frame. At least i think so. I mean does anybody really ever enjoy theatre for its relevance to anything? We may, as an audience tell ourselves that we do, we may feel responsible to enjoy a play that has a good social cause, that points out interesting debates, that is South African and we are proud to be South African so we will enjoy this play or die trying and then scramble home to a good DVD so we can get some real entertainment because our brains are tired from trying to enjoy a boring play that has no drama.

We as an audience must never subscribe, that is, going to the theatre for anything else other than to be delighted by the story of that show. Supporting theatre is also a form of subscription. That is to say "I go to the theatre to support it" I say DO NOT SUPPORT THEATRE. You are going for the wrong reasons, you are sitting in the audience for a reason other than pure enjoyment. Theatre should not be a charity. Its a fucken cool place because we love being entertained and we love stories, the second we convince ourselveses that it is anything else, that it needs to be relevant and that we need to subscribe to that relevance, then it becomes a chore.

The only relevance you ever need is that the audience pay for their ticket.

Nov 26 / 7:03am

Writing

Acting is very simple. By that I do not mean I find it easy, but the rules are simple. All you do is stand on stage and say your lines in a truthful way and make sure the audience can see and hear you so they can enjoy the character and the plot. I guess as an actor you have to learn how to do that but thats all you have to learn.

Your preperation for a play, as David Mamet says in his book Theatre, is just to block the dam thing, thats all really. So an actors job is simple and a lot of people can do it quite succesfully.

Not a lot of people can write though. I think writing is where the real talent comes in. A great writer is what makes an actor look good. In fact I think that good writing is what makes theatre so delightful to watch. I cannot write plays, I dont have the skill or the talent for that, so I dont. If I wrote plays they would be bad no matter who acted in them. I have done my own shows before and am very proud of them, but I did not strictly write them, I made them up on the floor and then slowly figured out what works for the audience through trial and error. So the show that I am proud of now was pretty kak a couple years ago.

What gets me down is that a lot of people think they are writers when in fact they cannot string a simple plot together. They have no idea how to excite an audience with the text, they think they do, but most people are not writers. You can always tell a bad writer when the theme or the social message is the hook that the audience needs to invest in to get anything out of the play. So, this play is about feminism, or this play deals with this social issue or that social issue and then the design and the writing are symbolic or metophoric towards the plays central theme. Thats boring. Audiences want to know what happens next in the plot, thats all. Its like your mom telling you a bedtime story and then asking you what the moral of the story is, that is a horrible thing to do to a child and so the writer should never do that to an audience. Just now the audience starts to convince themselves they like boring theatre, that they like theatre with a message, a socially responsible message.That would be awful. Great writers (with the help of actors who know how to find their light and say the words) know how to keep an audience member on the edge of their seats with a great plot. Of course a theme is present but its not why the writer is writing and its not why the audience is watching.

So what is my point. I guess my point is that many people think they are good writers because their plays are profound and clever and insightful when in truth they are just dull. If you cannot write then dont, dont go to lessons because no-one will teach you how to write. You should act, its much simpler, the job has already been done for you by the writer who knows what s/he is doing.

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